Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan

Author:Jim Gaffigan [Gaffigan, Jim]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-385-34906-2
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2013-05-06T16:00:00+00:00

Wet pants, a bad fall, and a temper tantrum are all signals that it is now time to leave the park. If you thought leaving your house with little kids was impossible, now there is the other crisis of returning home that must be dealt with. You could spend ten hours at the park, and your announcement that it’s time to leave will always be greeted with whines of “Aw, man!” or “Five more minutes!” Of course, little kids never want to leave anywhere. They never say, “You know, I’m tired … let’s head home.” The more tired they get, the less they want to leave, and the more necessary it becomes for you to leave before the meltdowns start. To other people you are never leaving at the correct time with your children. You’re either looked at strangely for leaving early—“You’re going already?”—or you’re the irresponsible parent—“Your baby seems really tired. Like he needs to go to bed.” It’s amazing that people with kids ever go anywhere.

Suddenly, the only thing harder than leaving your house is returning to your house. Even though it’s an hour before dinner, you are forced to coax them out with the promise of ice cream, the methadone of leaving the park. It works. Now to clean them up and convince them to not tell Jeannie I got them ice-cream cones. They always promise to not say a word, but as we walk into the apartment, one will gleefully announce, “We had ice-cream cones!”

“Oh, really? Did Daddy have one, too?”

“Of course I didn’t.”

“No! Daddy had a hot fudge sundae.”

“What? I’m still going to eat dinner.”

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